I am not sure where I am going with this.....for once I feel at loss for words.  I know that writing it out helps, but I am not even sure what it is I need to get out.     This time of the year always breaks me.  I am never quite prepared and some days are just a struggle to get out of bed.  I do it, each day, and have for five years now.  But the days don't feel any less heavy this year than they did five years ago.     It seems around this time each year I hit my breaking point.  Where I am just done and nothing makes any fucking sense.  Change is hard and it seems like my life has been in constant flux for the last six years.  One thing steadies and ten others go right out the fucking door.       This year has been a doozy for everyone.  I am not oblivious to this fact.  I am fully aware that 2020 has been a complete shit show.  No one is amused or immune.  You are not cute 2020.     After some time in thought, I think I have landed on a few things..... ONE I am a first ye