I am a first year teacher. IN a pandemic. I am trying to figure out how to teach precious babies via a computer screen. This would not be my first choice. I get the WHY, but I do not have to like it. I did not make sacrifices and work my ass off for the last four years to finish this degree to have my first year look like this. And before anyone says a thing: I am entitled to feel the way I do. I have every right to feel as though my student teaching and the beginning of my teaching career is not what it should be. That I have been robbed of the experience I should get. It does not mean I am not thankful and grateful and do not love my job and do not get out of bed each day to do it. DO NOT get it twisted. But I am allowed to feel the full spectrum of emotions with this.
TWO
My mom is not here for any of this. She has missed all the things it seems like. She is not here to bounce ideas off of. She is not here to verbally process with. The truth is: I talked to my mom EVERY DAY. She's the only one who I had phone conversations with daily for years. Probably why I detest phone conversations to this day. I can not just pick up the phone, hit MOM, and have her there. DO NOT come at me with she's there with you in spirit. Fuck off. It is not the same and we all know this.
THREE
Divorce, even when it is what is in the best interest of all involved is never easy. It comes with hurt and regret and damage. In ways you did not even see coming. After two decades of together, even if it wasn't good and needed to end, is never an easy path. I do not wish ill on the father of my children. We do not belong together. The end. Does not mean it has been easy to navigate. DO NOT tell me that we had just tried harder or not given up or any other bull shit mantra that it could have worked. Sometimes things need to end. Period.
FOUR
I am not entirely sure who exists in my village any longer. This is one of the harder ones right now. Since I lost my mom I was tucked safely in at a job where I had an extended family. This is not to say that I am not working toward that at my current place (and let's be honest, since we are in a pandemic there is not a gathering of people. EVER.). But I knew each day, Monday-Friday, I would show up at a place where love and grace would be extended. Where I often would not even have to speak a word and someone would know. After losing mom and hitting September/October each year, I knew I would be loved fully and completely. Met where I was. This is not to say those people are not still around, but the dynamic changes when you no longer walk into that building each day. Life moves on. And sometimes it leaves you feeling a bit alone and lost.
FIVE
I have "custody" of my dad. He is amazing. Truly. He has jumped in and helped with the kids. While I was finishing my degree, he made sure they had dinner each night if they were not with their father. I have watched his grief up close. There has been no escaping it. He somehow now detects things in me without me having to say a word. Dad somehow knows where I am in my feels at any given moment without a word needing to be spoken. He does not question when I simply say I need to leave and walk out of the house, keys in hand. Sometimes he hands me some cash and tells me to buy myself a drink. He just *knows*. And I am thankful for that. Watching his heartbreak though has meant that my heartbreak does not hold a candle to his. And at times, I do feel selfish to be sad and miss mom. He lost his best friend and love of his life. How could I ever even know what that must feel like each day?
SIX
I have an extremely difficult time asking for help. Or admitting I need other humans. Or a shoulder to cry on. Or anything really. It presents as weakness to me. And that is probably the one feeling I cannot with the most. Strong people pick themselves up, dust themselves off, and keep on keeping on. They sure as shit do not reach out to people. They do not stand around confused. They do not sit and write a blog post. 👀😂 They get on with life, regardless of who is there or not. Because fuck you. That's why. And I typically don't. I rarely extend a hey, I need you (unless you are my sister. And then you provide therapy approximately three times a week. Bill me.) It takes a lot for me to do that. And if I do and receive what feels like rejection? I am probably done being vulnerable with you. May be harsh, but it's how I roll.
So yea. Bit more than I thought and not sure u feel any better. But giving voice to my feelings is therapeutic. And I always feel like I need to add this disclaimer:
I DO NOT POST FOR SYMPATHY OR ATTENTION.
I post because I am always convinced that I am not alone in any one of these feelings. That others feel similarly. And there is comfort in knowing you are not alone. I have watched many people struggle with many issues, me included, and I refuse to stand by and not be honest. It is not always easy. It is not always sunshine and rainbows. Sometimes it is super fucking hard and exhausting. And you are not alone. And it does not make you selfish or ungrateful or any other bull shit thing someone without a clue might say to you. It makes you real and messy and human. And I like real, messy, humans.
Song lyrics say it best sometimes. So ima kick it way back....
You kick up the leaves, and the magic is lost.
They tell me your blue sky's faded to gray,
They tell me your passion's gone away,
And I don't need no carrying on.
You're faking a smile with the coffee to go.
You tell me your life's been way off line,
You're falling to pieces every time,
And I don't need no carrying on.
You're taking one down,
You sing a sad song just to turn it around.
You say you don't know,
You tell me, "don't lie",
You work at a smile, and you go for a ride.
You had a bad day,
The camera don't lie,
You're coming back down, and you really don't mind.
You had a bad day,
You had a bad day.
The point is they laugh at what you say,
And I don't need no carrying on.
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