Damn. There is so much swirling around in my little brain.....So. Much.
I am getting ready to enter my most personally difficult time of the year. Emotionally. I am also entering my most difficult semester (and LAST!) of college. Oh, and trying to train for another half marathon. There are many days as of late that I am not sure how I'm doing it or even why at times. I am trying to keep it together, trying to keep a balance. But sometimes I am not sure I am doing so well. With so many plates to juggle, even if they are ceramic plates, I often feel as though I am dropping one (or more).
I am trying to figure out what I want in life. What is important to me. What I need versus what I want. And how it all fits together with various parts of my life. I'm learning that sometimes what you think is important is not so much and things that you didn't pay much mind to are actually more important than you imagined. I am also learning that I am actually not too much. Yes, I word vomit. Yes, I am weird. Yes, I can be crazy. Yes, I cry easily, Yes, I am a perfectly put together mess. However, these are not negative traits. These are parts of me. They are what make me, ME. And anyone who thinks these are negative or wants me to change these things.....well, they can exit stage left thankyouverymuch.
I am also learning that I refuse to ask for what I need. I refuse to ask for help or accept help. Because dammit, I can do it on my own and I am just fine. I've thought a lot about my last ten years of life. And it is not a complaint nor do I not realize how lucky I am, but there has been a lot of change and a lot of highly emotional and scary and hard events. I do not think I have paused much to go, "Damn girl, considering some of that shit, you are keeping it moving pretty damn well." There is just so much.
And I am not suffering in some deep, GET HELP NOW kind of way. I just think that I do not put my needs very high on the list. I have moments where I think, when does someone take care of me? Then I feel whiny and weak and put on my big girl panties and tell myself to stop it, I am fine. Which may be partly true. But at some point I have to matter and at some point I need to be taken care of. Even if I am the only one doing it.
I am no longer going to put on a brave face just to prove I can handle everything. I know I am strong and I know I can handle most things that are thrown at me. It takes a lot for me to truly lose it and only a select few have seen that, praise the Lord. 😂 I will no longer settle for things in life and I will learn to value myself so others value me.
I will also embrace the moments where I am living my best life. I will not be afraid to express that joy and gratitude. I will no longer think or feel that I am not worthy of such joy and love. And I will continue to work on not shutting down and not closing people out and taking down the protective walls. It's scary and leaves me feeling way too vulnerable, But I do not want to be cold and hard and closed off.
It is time for something new. It is time to leave things of the past behind and look forward. Learning and growing and continuing to become who I am meant to be. Embracing all the parts of me, the too much, the dark, the joyful, the love, the weird. I have to buckle down and focus. I need to let go of things not meant for me, embrace new opportunities, stop giving time and energy to things that do not deserve it, and move onward.
I think part of this might be a social media break. I love photos and I love words. I enjoy telling my story through images captured and stories told. Maybe it needs to be less about that and more in the moment. Maybe I need to take a few steps back and not clog up feeds with posts. I am not yet sure what that may look like or what I need to do.
One thing I know for sure: I am worthy of great things. And I will not stop until I have reached them.
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