For as long as I can remember I have lived in my head. I am trying to be better about it, but let's be honest, I am probably always going to live in there. What I am trying to do now is change the narrative.
Sometimes things occur that not only make me stop and think, but also give me confirmation that I am on the right path and doing the right thing. These instances seem to always occur at the time when I need them. And it is not as if I have vocalized out loud that I am unsure of something`. It is not as if I have cried to someone that I am not sure I am going to get all the things done. It's not as if anyone knows per se, what is going on in my head. These things......just happen. Over the years I have gotten better at recognizing that the universe (God, if you are so inclined) is sending me these reminders, these little bits of encouragement that I am not actually fucking it all up.
After a couple of blessed snow days this week, which I desperately needed to get all my shit done, I had class all night Friday and all day Saturday. I wasn't exactly stressed, but I knew I had a ton of stuff to get done and have ready not only for this class, but two other classes. Some cookies to get made. Oh, and just the general taking care of the house and kids every day stuff. Add in that dad fell and we spent Wednesday afternoon in the ER.....and I thought doing Whole 30(ish) would be a great idea to help get me more organized.....guys I had to sit in all of this and not have a beer and not eat my feelings. I know, right? Tragic.
I managed to get my life somewhat together, again see above about the blessed snow days, and be somewhat prepared for class. Class this weekend involved presenting a research paper to the class on Friday night. This was just getting up in front of the class and talking about the article and then having discussion. Not the worst, but I still don't love to get up in front of people. But, I volunteered to go first because let's just get it over with. Right? Got through class and knew the next day was teaching two lessons. To adults. While my teacher watches and grades me. Now, I realize that this is what student teaching will be. In a real classroom. I am not quite ready to wrap my brain around that.
We get to class Saturday morning. And my teacher pulls up her inspiration for the day. This is what propelled me to realize that I am exactly where I am supposed to be, doing exactly what I am supposed to be doing. Dead Poets Society. (click and watch the clip. It is so good!) Not only because that is the type of teacher I want to be, but because that is the type of human I want to be. I do not ever want to lose sight of the thought that words and ideas can change the world.
I pulled off both my lessons, again volunteering to get them out of the way. All the while just being thankful that after the week, I was shown again that I am in the right place, doing what I was made to do.
Then this morning I get a text from a sweet friend. The one that I made the cookies for. She was finally getting to enjoy her cookie (I offered to bring her more!). I do not even like the damn cookies myself, but being a 2 (ha, ask me about that sometime) I love making the cookies because others seem to really enjoy them. I do also enjoy the actual making of the cookies. It is very relaxing to me to ice the cookies and I love to take a photo or idea that has been sent to me and try and recreate it for someone. So, she sends me a picture....
And she sends it with this message, "What made yesterday so special was the people I love the most helped." I sent a message back and then I got this, "Abby, you impact so many people." Cool. I wanted to cry Sunday morning by 9 a.m. I can check that off my to do list. 😂 Guys, this is not a humble brag. This is a wow, I am actually humbled. I simply made cookies for a baby shower for a friend who asked. And I had a conversation with the mom of the baby at an event, that I do not even necessarily recall because you know me, I was just talking and being my normal too much self. So, see, you never really know what your words will do and who they will impact.
I have often said lately that I am a very lucky girl. It has become abundantly clear that I truly am. I get to be my weird, too much self and people do not seem to mind too much. Which is good because I am growing to kind of like her. No matter what people tell you, words and ideas can change the world.
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