As I laid outside today, I took a bit to just breath. I didn’t turn on music or scroll social media, I just laid there and listened to the birds and the noises of the city (and let’s be honest, that can be a real interesting treat). And being still is very difficult for me.
As it does, my mind began to wander and I was thinking about the divorce and what that has been like. I wondered if even writing a blog post about it would be okay or if it would be something I shouldn’t actually share. But as anyone who knows me knows, I am a words girl. I can’t help it. I word vomit and it’s just how I process life. I don’t mean to be too much or annoying or overwhelming, though I’m sure I am all those things at any given moment and sometimes probably all three at once.
No worries. You will not get nitty gritty details nor am I going to air my dirty laundry. In any relationship it takes two people to make it work. And sometimes that just never really comes together. That is okay and I am learning that it doesn’t make anyone a bad person or lacking in any way. It is just what it is sometimes. We certainly can all stand to learn and grow from any one person and any one relationship.
I realize almost twenty two years is a long time to try and make it work. And you won’t see me giving any lectures on the how and why of any of that. We both had (have) our issues and for many, many reasons neither of us just ever bit the bullet to actually end what should have probably ended many years sooner. But we got the four amazing kids and there were plenty of other good things to come out of the marriage.
In processing through these things, as I laid there in what felt like silence with only my own thoughts, I realized one of hardest parts of divorce. Probably the ending of any significant relationship really. How do I make sure this one relationship doesn’t make me bitter and cold and closed off? How do I make sure that I stay open to the possibility of great and true love and how do I not become jaded? How do I keep from building up walls and keeping people at arms length because it’s safer and easier in a lot of ways? Even more, how do I make sure I don’t take that baggage into another relationship, should I actually have one?
It’s kind of a lot and overwhelming to think about. I’m 42. And feel like I’m starting over in a lot of ways. I don’t know what to do with all of that. I know who I am. I know who I want to be. And I know what I DON’T want to be. It’s weird and confusing. 42. With four kids. And single. How do I keep hope alive and not shut down? How do I make sure when I see someone else having that kind of love that I don’t just become jealous, but instead celebrate with them?
I don’t have the answers to a lot of those things. I know each day is a step toward becoming who and what I want to be. I know each day is a step toward healing. I know each day I have the choice. It’s up to me to live the life I want to live. To seek the things I want to seek. To hope in the chance for a great love.
Some days are better and easier than others. Some days it’s a struggle to even get out of bed and do the damn day. Truthfully. Some days I know exactly what I want, need and deserve. Other days I question every single solitary step I take.
I am trying to give myself grace as I navigate this new adventure. One in which I hope to continue to chase the sunset, always look for rainbows, believe in the good, and hope there’s still a fairy tale ending.
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