The best I can come up with is that all the things have hit me. Maybe I pushed through too much. Maybe I didn't take the time to process a lot of things, especially over the last year. Maybe life has just finally caught up to me and I am worn out.
I do feel like a walking contradiction. It seems like a constant back and forth in my head and heart. Do I do this or do that? Do I want this or do I want that? Do I feel this or feel that? And it is not like they are similar, more like polar opposites.
I find myself often feeling a bit lost lately. Life did not go as I planned. I did not think I would be almost 43, single mom to four kids. I am not going to get into any dirty details about my marriage ending, no worries there. I may overshare and be an open book, but even I know to some degree some things are just not shared that openly. I will say though, that my marriage did need to end, 100%. I have no regrets about making that decision. I will also say that often I worry that I will not find anyone willing to come alongside me and my mess. I worry that my situation with my ex will keep someone from wanting to be involved with me and my kids. I worry that single life is my present and my future. I worry that no one out there will ever truly love me. I worry that I have a lot of lonely days ahead. I worry that I am indeed "too much". Then I flip. I do not need a man to feel complete. Anyone should want to be with me regardless of anything because I have a lot to offer. Why does any of that even matter? My life is full and busy as it is. I am not too much. And for the love, cut yourself some slack woman. Then I end up in laughing tears because I am somehow sad and angry all at once. I am not just riding the struggle bus, I am driving the damn thing full speed ahead and the breaks have gone out.
A lot of things have just been hard I guess. And admitting to any one of them makes me feel weak and if there is one feeling I really, REALLY detest? It's that one. Strong people keep their shit together, smile, pick up the pieces, hold their head high and continue on. They sure as shit don't post a meme, decide they need to write a blog, and cry while trying to get the words out. Fuck. That.
I don't know what I need. I don't know what I want. Sometimes I think it is for someone to just say it's all going to be okay. It will all work out. It will all be fine. (I'm fine. It's fine. We are all fine.) I fee like I have been doing it all and I haven't been taken care of and who the fuck is going to do that? Oh, right, me again. Ugh. More feelings that make me want to vomit.
So here I am. Admitting that I am struggling a bit with a lot of things. Maybe I need a break from social media. (Y'all can stop cheering now.) Maybe I need to cry it out for a bit. Maybe I need to go run 400 miles. Maybe I just need my mom (yep, fuck that too). Maybe I need someone to hold me while I just let my basket drop. Who knows.
I do not write these things for sympathy (gross) or for attention or for anyone to go, "Oh, Abby you are amazing!" (though I am pretty fucking awesome. 😂) I post because I am convinced that I cannot be the only one. I cannot be the only one who is overwhelmed. I cannot be the only one who cries themself to sleep at night sometimes, for reasons I do not even know. I cannot be the only one who is scared. I cannot be the only one who is uncertain. I cannot be the only one who feels as thought they are hanging on by a thread. I cannot be the only one who feels raw. I just cannot.
Vulnerable is scary. I think I would almost rather post a nude picture than be vulnerable. Admit to certain feelings and struggles. But damn it, I cannot be alone in these feelings. And I am tired of always "turning it around". No, y'all, sometimes it sucks. I try not to live there, but I do try and be honest about being there.
Life is messy. Hearts are messy. People? Are messy. And sometimes I forget that that is where the beauty lies. In the mess.
Comments