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Giving Myself Permission

It has been a long time since I have just let loose and written. So here goes.

Mark and I have decided that a vacation is in order. After some discussion, we settled on venturing to NYC. Now you may be thinking, "What is she seeking permission for?" Going without feeling guilty.

Alexander will be eight months old at the time of the trip. He is breastfeeding. Often. I am both in need of this break and yet torn at the same time. This has been a long year thus far with Mark's work. Long hours for all of us. Add in a new baby. A homeschooling second grader and a very energetic four year old boy and I am one tired mama. I have hardly had time to breath in the last four months. (In fairness, neither has Mark.) Also, this has meant very little time for Mark and I as well. I will not even say what I mean by long hours. Six days a week. For four months.

The funniest part is not even the leaving the kids for the four days. My big kids will be fine. They will love the break actually. (Kiki rocks and they will be with all her kids too. It will be nirvana for them.) And it is not even about the baby so much. He will be fine too. Not only will he have five extra people giving him attention, but his Emma will be there. I am not too worried about him freaking out if I am not there.

It is about breastfeeding. Why? Why am I so worried about this? Xander takes a bottle fine. Even one of formula. He will have had 99% breast milk for eight months by then. So why am I freaking out over this? I am afraid that when I return he will no longer want to breastfeed. I am afraid that because I selfishly wanted time away and with Mark that my son will no longer choose to nurse. I am afraid that this is my last child and my last nursing relationship and I do not want it to end that way.

I have tired telling myself that Davis was the same age when Emmaline got pneumonia and he had to go stay with Kiki for four days while I was at the hospital with Emma. Davis went back to nursing no problem. I have tried telling myself that eight months is a decent amount of nursing and that if he should wean it would not be the end of the world. I have tried telling myself that it is okay. Emma was never nursed at all, only formula fed and she is just fine. I have tried telling myself that I am not a horrible mother for taking a vacation without my little nursling. It is not working so well.

I am trying desperately to give myself permission. I hope and pray that over the next month or so I reach that point.

Please do not leave a comment if you are going to tell me I am selfish. Or that I am possibly wrecking our breastfeeding relationship. Or how can I leave my eight month old for that length of time. I do not need that right now. If you have any advice on how to do this or how to keep the breastfeeding thing going while taking such a trip, feel free to offer that up.

Bottom line is, I have tried to seek permission from everyone else. And who I need it from most is myself.

Comments

HAPTeach said…
Please give yourself permission! The two of you need some time to relax and just be together. You know in your heart and mind everything will be fine. Enjoy!
Judy said…
Giving yourself permission is always the hardest. I've not been too successful at that myself these last few years, and I've gone a little bonkers for it.

You deserve this. You will have fun (I miss NYC so much, it's been so long since I've been, I'm JEALOUS!!!). Your babies will be fine. And my guess is that when you get back, nursing will go perfectly smoothly.

(We have friends who have a son who turned 2 in March. About that time, they went away for what was supposed to be a weekend without their son, somewhat hoping he would wean. The had airplane delays, and ended up gone an extra day. When they got back, baby went back to nursing just fine. I think that's what you'll find too!)
Shannon said…
How awesome that you and Mark have an opportunity to get away like that! You need some time together. Try not to worry about Xander. You have a beautiful relationship with him. My guess is, he'll have a blast while you're gone, and then not leave your side (or boob) for a few days when you get back (and you won't want him too, either!). Have a great time!!!!

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