You ever pause in life and think, "Where the hell have I been and where the hell am I going?" No? Then don't bother to continue reading this post.
I have asked God why more times than I care to remember. It is an insane thing to. And even if He was going to tell me, let's be honest, I probably wouldn't like the answer. I also have a tendency to not live in the moment, which is probably why I am asking about the past and then the future.
I have had a lot of time to think over the course of the last few weeks. I know you expect me to say that I've been napping (and I did do a decent amount of resting after surgery), watching tv (and I have watched plenty), reading (yes, that too), playing games or goofing off on the internet. All would be true. But what I have found myself doing most days is sitting in relative silence for hours at a time. Alone with my thoughts. Have you ever done that for hours at a time, days on end? It is good. And it is bad.
So it goes that in all this thinking I usually get myself to this one thought: why in the world do I struggle with being content? I seriously think most of anything I am thinking about seems to wind itself back to this one underlying thought. It's annoying. Yet it is there and I seem to stagnate in it. I seem to recall times in my life where this did not seem to be such an issue. And I search for why that was not an issue at certain stops along the way.
I can not ever seem to get one, solid answer. Mostly because I don't know that I was better at it at those junctures more so as just not being honest about how I was feeling, almost that I was blissfully unaware. Or just not willing to admit the struggle. Oh, the struggle is real. Maybe in those times I was doing a much better job at focusing on the positive. I have an uncanny knack for always seeing the negative in just about any situation, so this probably holds some weight. Possibly in those times was it just an easier ride? Were things going along rather smoothly? Also a real possibility. Also possible that I was in denial on the actual state of things. See above about blissfully unaware.
This lead me to discover two things: in the times that I perceived to be more content with life I was either blissfully unaware or lying to myself if you will or I was maybe choosing to see the positive. One of those is good, one is not. I will leave it to you to decide which is which. Even with choosing to the see positive, we are supposed to be content in life at all times. Paul told us so in Philippians. Which ironically is my favorite book in all the Bible.
I don't know my point in this. Other than to say I struggle with this to this day. And I do think that we are just to be content no matter where or how we find ourselves. Which kind of leads me to something that I found on this blog that I had written some time ago. I think it may be at least helpful in that being content.
I began to wake up to the realization that if I continued to try to live victoriously in my own strength, I could expect nothing but continued failure and discouragement. I began to see that I was expecting perfection. I was expecting more of myself than the Lord Jesus was expecting of me. I was trying to win this battle alone and was disappointed with myself when I lost. But the Lord doesn't expect us to fight alone. He says that He will go with us and fight for us..."for the battle is not yours, but God's...Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourself, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the Lord..." (2 Chronicles 20: 15, 17)
The overall point and what my wandering thoughts keep leading me back to? Keep trying to do it alone Abby and you will end back back at square one each and every time. Paul tells us to be content always. Jesus tells us how to do that. It's not within us to do it.
I have asked God why more times than I care to remember. It is an insane thing to. And even if He was going to tell me, let's be honest, I probably wouldn't like the answer. I also have a tendency to not live in the moment, which is probably why I am asking about the past and then the future.
I have had a lot of time to think over the course of the last few weeks. I know you expect me to say that I've been napping (and I did do a decent amount of resting after surgery), watching tv (and I have watched plenty), reading (yes, that too), playing games or goofing off on the internet. All would be true. But what I have found myself doing most days is sitting in relative silence for hours at a time. Alone with my thoughts. Have you ever done that for hours at a time, days on end? It is good. And it is bad.
So it goes that in all this thinking I usually get myself to this one thought: why in the world do I struggle with being content? I seriously think most of anything I am thinking about seems to wind itself back to this one underlying thought. It's annoying. Yet it is there and I seem to stagnate in it. I seem to recall times in my life where this did not seem to be such an issue. And I search for why that was not an issue at certain stops along the way.
I can not ever seem to get one, solid answer. Mostly because I don't know that I was better at it at those junctures more so as just not being honest about how I was feeling, almost that I was blissfully unaware. Or just not willing to admit the struggle. Oh, the struggle is real. Maybe in those times I was doing a much better job at focusing on the positive. I have an uncanny knack for always seeing the negative in just about any situation, so this probably holds some weight. Possibly in those times was it just an easier ride? Were things going along rather smoothly? Also a real possibility. Also possible that I was in denial on the actual state of things. See above about blissfully unaware.
This lead me to discover two things: in the times that I perceived to be more content with life I was either blissfully unaware or lying to myself if you will or I was maybe choosing to see the positive. One of those is good, one is not. I will leave it to you to decide which is which. Even with choosing to the see positive, we are supposed to be content in life at all times. Paul told us so in Philippians. Which ironically is my favorite book in all the Bible.
I don't know my point in this. Other than to say I struggle with this to this day. And I do think that we are just to be content no matter where or how we find ourselves. Which kind of leads me to something that I found on this blog that I had written some time ago. I think it may be at least helpful in that being content.
I began to wake up to the realization that if I continued to try to live victoriously in my own strength, I could expect nothing but continued failure and discouragement. I began to see that I was expecting perfection. I was expecting more of myself than the Lord Jesus was expecting of me. I was trying to win this battle alone and was disappointed with myself when I lost. But the Lord doesn't expect us to fight alone. He says that He will go with us and fight for us..."for the battle is not yours, but God's...Ye shall not need to fight in this battle: set yourself, stand ye still, and see the salvation of the Lord..." (2 Chronicles 20: 15, 17)
The overall point and what my wandering thoughts keep leading me back to? Keep trying to do it alone Abby and you will end back back at square one each and every time. Paul tells us to be content always. Jesus tells us how to do that. It's not within us to do it.
Comments