The thoughts in my mind. This is what they do. Swirl.
I realized today that my niece is at "that age". The age that started making my life so very difficult. That cusp. That Britteny Spears song. Not a girl. Not yet a woman.
I wonder if she is struggling with all of it like I did. I wonder if she questions herself at every turn. I wonder if she lacks the ability at times to make a decision. I wonder if that is only something that I dealt with.
I wonder if she is like her mother. Who never seemed to have this internal struggle. My sister always seemed to know who she was. Never seemed to second guess herself and always knew which way to go. She never showed any sign of being unsure. I hope my niece is like her mother.
I spent far too many moments wondering. I was a day dreaming child and if I had to guess I would say that I dreamed 50% of my life away at that time. I think I might have been my own worst critic. My biggest enemy was myself.
I have never figured out why. I would like to blame my parents because I think that is what you are supposed to do. If only my mom (or dad) _________, I would not have been that way. But I can't do that.
I spent those tumultuous teen years trying to figure out who I was. Or maybe trying to be someone I was not. It was hard. And frustrating. Quite frankly, it sucked.
I see my gorgeous niece and I pray with all my soul that she does not do this. I see my other gorgeous niece and pray with all my soul that she does not do this. They are both on that cusp. That fragile time in life. The time when adults will tell you that you are too young and it does not matter but you know it does. And the adults are wrong. It does matter. It matters right then and right there. You feel so much. Feelings always matter.
I would not go back and do it all again. It was that hard for me. I know lots of people say that those years are the best time of your life. I fell into some other category. Because those years were the loneliest, hardest, most painful years of my life. I wish it had not meant so much to me then. I do look back now and I want to tell that young lady that she is okay as she is. That she is will be fine and that life will be wonderful. I want to reassure her and hug her.
Instead, I will do what I can to make sure my nieces (and one day my own daughter) know that who they are is fabulous. And to not ever let anyone tell them otherwise.
I realized today that my niece is at "that age". The age that started making my life so very difficult. That cusp. That Britteny Spears song. Not a girl. Not yet a woman.
I wonder if she is struggling with all of it like I did. I wonder if she questions herself at every turn. I wonder if she lacks the ability at times to make a decision. I wonder if that is only something that I dealt with.
I wonder if she is like her mother. Who never seemed to have this internal struggle. My sister always seemed to know who she was. Never seemed to second guess herself and always knew which way to go. She never showed any sign of being unsure. I hope my niece is like her mother.
I spent far too many moments wondering. I was a day dreaming child and if I had to guess I would say that I dreamed 50% of my life away at that time. I think I might have been my own worst critic. My biggest enemy was myself.
I have never figured out why. I would like to blame my parents because I think that is what you are supposed to do. If only my mom (or dad) _________, I would not have been that way. But I can't do that.
I spent those tumultuous teen years trying to figure out who I was. Or maybe trying to be someone I was not. It was hard. And frustrating. Quite frankly, it sucked.
I see my gorgeous niece and I pray with all my soul that she does not do this. I see my other gorgeous niece and pray with all my soul that she does not do this. They are both on that cusp. That fragile time in life. The time when adults will tell you that you are too young and it does not matter but you know it does. And the adults are wrong. It does matter. It matters right then and right there. You feel so much. Feelings always matter.
I would not go back and do it all again. It was that hard for me. I know lots of people say that those years are the best time of your life. I fell into some other category. Because those years were the loneliest, hardest, most painful years of my life. I wish it had not meant so much to me then. I do look back now and I want to tell that young lady that she is okay as she is. That she is will be fine and that life will be wonderful. I want to reassure her and hug her.
Instead, I will do what I can to make sure my nieces (and one day my own daughter) know that who they are is fabulous. And to not ever let anyone tell them otherwise.
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- Madison