A good and dear friend of mine asked me the other day if I had thought about why I got pregnant so quickly this time. Her point was to see if I had seen the difference. Because she had. Which was great on two levels. One, it showed me that she is seeing God often now and two she wanted to make sure I was up on it as well. There is nothing like both watching someone start to see God all around in everything and at the same time have that same someone make sure YOU are seeing it as well.
I told her yes indeed, I knew the difference. I did not suffer from infertility. I suffered from doing it my way. I wanted it on my time and that was not the way to go about it. The biggest difference between this time and the other two: I consulted God, as did Mark, before proceeding. The difference that made? About a year and a half.
Only recently I have discovered that this way threw me for a loop more than the other way. Why? Because it became apparent that lo and behold I am not in control. And it freaks me out. It is so real to me now.
We are in a better place, in every way, with this child than we were with the other two. Yet this is the only time that I have thought, "Was this a mistake?' Essentially I am wondering if GOD made a mistake? Takes some mighty big huevos to say something like that about God.
The ironic part is God was always running His game plan anyway. I just let myself believe I was running it. Had the past two gone the way *I* wanted, they would have been born much closer together. This time is no different than the other two. Only that I acknowledged God's place in all of it BEFORE the fact not after. Coincidentally, this child will be the same years apart as the other two. Not really a coincidence though. Someone knew what they were doing. And it was most certainly not me.
The baby is moving all the time now and I can feel him/her often. It has suddenly hit me that soon enough a new little life is going to be here. A real live baby. It will be my job to watch over him or her much in the same way God watches over me. For whatever reason He has trusted me with another little life. I better step and realize what a task this is. And honor.
I told her yes indeed, I knew the difference. I did not suffer from infertility. I suffered from doing it my way. I wanted it on my time and that was not the way to go about it. The biggest difference between this time and the other two: I consulted God, as did Mark, before proceeding. The difference that made? About a year and a half.
Only recently I have discovered that this way threw me for a loop more than the other way. Why? Because it became apparent that lo and behold I am not in control. And it freaks me out. It is so real to me now.
We are in a better place, in every way, with this child than we were with the other two. Yet this is the only time that I have thought, "Was this a mistake?' Essentially I am wondering if GOD made a mistake? Takes some mighty big huevos to say something like that about God.
The ironic part is God was always running His game plan anyway. I just let myself believe I was running it. Had the past two gone the way *I* wanted, they would have been born much closer together. This time is no different than the other two. Only that I acknowledged God's place in all of it BEFORE the fact not after. Coincidentally, this child will be the same years apart as the other two. Not really a coincidence though. Someone knew what they were doing. And it was most certainly not me.
The baby is moving all the time now and I can feel him/her often. It has suddenly hit me that soon enough a new little life is going to be here. A real live baby. It will be my job to watch over him or her much in the same way God watches over me. For whatever reason He has trusted me with another little life. I better step and realize what a task this is. And honor.
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