I am not sure where I am going with this.....for once I feel at loss for words.  I know that writing it out helps, but I am not even sure what it is I need to get out.     This time of the year always breaks me.  I am never quite prepared and some days are just a struggle to get out of bed.  I do it, each day, and have for five years now.  But the days don't feel any less heavy this year than they did five years ago.     It seems around this time each year I hit my breaking point.  Where I am just done and nothing makes any fucking sense.  Change is hard and it seems like my life has been in constant flux for the last six years.  One thing steadies and ten others go right out the fucking door.       This year has been a doozy for everyone.  I am not oblivious to this fact.  I am fully aware that 2020 has been a complete shit show.  No one is amused or immune.  You are...

Something feels off.  I cannot put my finger on it.  I have spent some time trying to figure it out over the last few days and it has just left me feeling.....unsettled.  So like normal, I have taken to words and verbal processing because I do not know what else to do. The best I can come up with is that all the things have hit me.  Maybe I pushed through too much.  Maybe I didn't take the time to process a lot of things, especially over the last year.  Maybe life has just finally caught up to me and I am worn out. I do feel like a walking contradiction.  It seems like a constant back and forth in my head and heart.  Do I do this or do that?  Do I want this or do I want that?  Do I feel this or feel that?  And it is not like they are similar, more like polar opposites. I find myself often feeling a bit lost lately.  Life did not go as I planned.  I did not think I would be almost 43, single mom to four kids.  ...

I think this is how my cohort and I all feel right now.  We are riding a fine line between "we have got to get this shit done" and sanity.  Welcome to the shit show.  Pull up a chair.  Grab a drink.  And watch it all unfold. Have you ever been faced with knowing you need to a make a huge life decision in the midst of making 40 other huge life decisions?  And while you are making said first decision, life laughs at you and says, "Just for shits and grins, we are going to toss you a few curve balls because what fun is it if we just let you score that homerun?"  You gotta work for it.  If you are me, you say what the fuck life?  Thanks for bending me over without warning. I made the decision to go back to school four years ago.  I went part time at the community college, working toward my Associates in Teaching.  I knew at some point I would have to find a bachelors program but that appeared far away and easy enough.  This ...

Yep.  Starting a blog post with a selfie.  Sounds about right.  This is something that has been floating around in my mind for some time and I have tried giving it words.  I am still not sure I can, but if you know me, you know I sure am going to try to give it all the words. I came across that the other day while scrolling Pinterest.  I have often found myself possibly not fitting into a perfect box.  Trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in the world is an odd thing.  Trying to accept yourself is a difficult task.  And loving yourself, all parts of you, is the hardest.  As I read this I thought, yes!  What is beautiful anyway?  I have never really been the girl that would be described as such.  And no, that is not me putting myself down.  It has just never really been a descriptor for me.  The other part of that is beautiful is not necessarily something I would say about myself either....

This time of the year....all the late nights, all the thoughts, all the feels.   I spend so many nights not sleeping, it’s a problem. To make up for that, to keep from actually feeling all the feels, I then overbook myself.   Let me see how much I can cram into one week.   Because at least then I’m busy and I don’t have to be alone with my thoughts.   Just me? No one else does this?   That’s cool. I’ll admit to it.   If I stay busy I don’t have to remember.   I don’t have to think about it.   I can go on like nothing is really different.   Like this time of the year doesn’t leave me feeling raw and exposed and hurting.   Because while most feelings are gross, these feelings?   They are the grossest of all.   I do not like feeling vulnerable and weak and weepy.   I’m more of a fuck you kind of girl.   I’m happiest dwelling in that.   But the deep dark truth is.....I’m not entirely a fuck you gir...

Damn.  There is so much swirling around in my little brain.....So. Much. I am getting ready to enter my most personally difficult time of the year.  Emotionally.  I am also entering my most difficult semester (and LAST!) of college.  Oh, and trying to train for another half marathon.  There are many days as of late that I am not sure how I'm doing it or even why at times.  I am trying to keep it together, trying to keep a balance.  But sometimes I am not sure I am doing so well.  With so many plates to juggle, even if they are ceramic plates, I often feel as though I am dropping one (or more).   I am trying to figure out what I want in life.  What is important to me.  What I need versus what I want.  And how it all fits together with various parts of my life.  I'm learning that sometimes what you think is important is not so much and things that you didn't pay much mind to are actually more importan...

As I laid outside today, I took a bit to just breath. I didn’t turn on music or scroll social media, I just laid there and listened to the birds and the noises of the city (and let’s be honest, that can be a real interesting treat).  And being still is very difficult for me. As it does, my mind began to wander and I was thinking about the divorce and what that has been like.   I wondered if even writing a blog post about it would be okay or if it would be something I shouldn’t actually share.   But as anyone who knows me knows, I am a words girl.   I can’t help it. I word vomit and it’s just how I process life. I don’t mean to be too much or annoying or overwhelming, though I’m sure I am all those things at any given moment and sometimes probably all three at once.   No worries. You will not get nitty gritty details nor am I going to air my dirty laundry. In any relationship it takes two people to make it work.   And someti...

For as long as I can remember I have lived in my head.  I am trying to be better about it, but let's be honest, I am probably always going to live in there.  What I am trying to do now is change the narrative. Sometimes things occur that not only make me stop and think, but also give me confirmation that I am on the right path and doing the right thing.  These instances seem to always occur at the time when I need them.  And it is not as if I have vocalized out loud that I am unsure of something`.  It is not as if I have cried to someone that I am not sure I am going to get all the things done.  It's not as if anyone knows per se, what is going on in my head.  These things......just happen.  Over the years I have gotten better at recognizing that the universe (God, if you are so inclined) is sending me these reminders, these little bits of encouragement that I am not actually fucking it all up.   After a couple of bles...

(bonus points to anyone who knows that song title 😂) Ever since I can remember I have enjoyed reading.  I do not have some grand illusions of my parents reading to me every night before bed.  I know I had lots of books as a child and I know my mom read often and we had piles of books around the house.  I know as I got older, I would anxiously await the release of the newest Baby-Sitters Club book and beg my mom to take me to the mall so I could purchase it.  She rarely turned me down, if ever, because I think she was thrilled I enjoyed reading so very much. I would take that new book and head to my room.  I would rarely emerge until I had finished reading it.  I have always been a fast reader and if the book is good, I will not put it down until I have finished it.  I have zero self control when it comes to reading.  I do not hear things or get hungry or have to pee when I am reading.  I can do this for hours.  No lie. You can...

To begin with, what good is Winter Break if you can't stay up way past your bedtime watching movies, eating snacks, drinking a beer, and writing?  No good.  It's no good. I was getting ready for bed when, as usually happens, my brain started writing.  It's a thing that happens to me often.  I feel as though I am writing a manuscript or some such nonsense in my head.  It's been this way for as long as I can remember.  Maybe I think too much.  Or maybe I am just more fucked up than I thought.  Who knows.  But there seems to be a constant narrative running in my head.  Sometimes, I let it out.  Lucky for you, tonight is such a night.  😂 Get. Excited. I do not know what it is about breaks.  When I stayed at home, things looked very different.  I would not trade that time, but looking back it probably wasn't the healthiest of situations for me.  I am beyond thankful of the time I was given with my children wh...

Full confession:  I am NOT a morning person.  I never have been.  Life has forced me to be up early.  Emmaline was born and the child was a great sleeper.....but she was up at about 4 a.m. Every. Damn. Day.  Lord help me,  I was not prepared for that nonsense.  😂 More kids came and I homeschooled and mornings were still not my thing.  I tried. Who are we kidding?  I begged my children to stay in bed.  I was possibly in tears doing so.  I am a night owl and my nature is just that.  Needless to say, it never worked.  I put the kids in public school.  I drove them to school those first couple of years and yes, I was in my pajamas.  Do you know what time school starts?  Too early, that's when. So when I got my big girl job, the idea of getting kids up and to school and myself to work by eight was daunting.  And the very thought exhausted me.  Soon enough we fell into a routine and I adjusted....