Do you ever have days where it seems the tears begin to fall and for some reason you can not quite gain control back?
I know I have hormones running amok. The kids today already have done a lot of whining and crying. The kind of day where you feel like you are on the edge and the view looks bleak.
Do you get, at times, a feeling that you never conquered something you thought you had? That at one point you convinced yourself that you had dealt with this thing and that all was okay and you were okay and everyone started singing Shiny Happy People and you went along with it? I think I am in that spot right now.
I am willing to admit that my current condition may be playing a large role in that. Overly sensitive right now and feel as if I am being thrown punches from every direction and I can not keep all of them from not striking. I hate admitting to feeling vulnerable and likely since I always play as if nothing bothers me, a trait I passed onto my daughter unfortunately, I wonder if people view me as an open target. Do people see me as being able to say anything to me because I am open, honest and hard shelled? Therefore, am I not allowed to actually feel along the way?
The thing is, over time that is what I have done. Eventually the pain becomes too much and you become so calloused that you cease to care. I think I am at that place. I have become so calloused I have ceased to think anyone can hurt me.
You make certain decisions in life. Ones that allow you to get through that time in whatever way you can. For me I make the decision least likely to cause me anymore feeling. I get to the point where I just cut it off. I feel for a certain amount of time and even if I have not dealt properly with the situation at hand, I end it. I say I am over it because I am too tired to feel for one more second.
I am not sure where to go from here. I would like to blame it solely on hormones but I know that is not it and too easy. Sometimes you need to face it head on. And maybe you need time to be able to do that. Maybe something happens and you gloss over it and then the time comes when you must really face it. Where you must not only own up to it but deal with it in a truly raw manner. Maybe you are given time to put it off so you can look at it a little less emotionally than you would but at the same time deal with those emotions in a more controlled way.
The sun is shining and the weather is warm. Now if I could just find a way to get that into my heart and soul, we would be on our way.
I know I have hormones running amok. The kids today already have done a lot of whining and crying. The kind of day where you feel like you are on the edge and the view looks bleak.
Do you get, at times, a feeling that you never conquered something you thought you had? That at one point you convinced yourself that you had dealt with this thing and that all was okay and you were okay and everyone started singing Shiny Happy People and you went along with it? I think I am in that spot right now.
I am willing to admit that my current condition may be playing a large role in that. Overly sensitive right now and feel as if I am being thrown punches from every direction and I can not keep all of them from not striking. I hate admitting to feeling vulnerable and likely since I always play as if nothing bothers me, a trait I passed onto my daughter unfortunately, I wonder if people view me as an open target. Do people see me as being able to say anything to me because I am open, honest and hard shelled? Therefore, am I not allowed to actually feel along the way?
The thing is, over time that is what I have done. Eventually the pain becomes too much and you become so calloused that you cease to care. I think I am at that place. I have become so calloused I have ceased to think anyone can hurt me.
You make certain decisions in life. Ones that allow you to get through that time in whatever way you can. For me I make the decision least likely to cause me anymore feeling. I get to the point where I just cut it off. I feel for a certain amount of time and even if I have not dealt properly with the situation at hand, I end it. I say I am over it because I am too tired to feel for one more second.
I am not sure where to go from here. I would like to blame it solely on hormones but I know that is not it and too easy. Sometimes you need to face it head on. And maybe you need time to be able to do that. Maybe something happens and you gloss over it and then the time comes when you must really face it. Where you must not only own up to it but deal with it in a truly raw manner. Maybe you are given time to put it off so you can look at it a little less emotionally than you would but at the same time deal with those emotions in a more controlled way.
The sun is shining and the weather is warm. Now if I could just find a way to get that into my heart and soul, we would be on our way.
Comments
I have had, let me see, eight months space in this one. I think that is enough.
Sometimes is not about about words so much as actions taken. And in order to get by in the day to day you must just glaze over it. It is survival. Then you trick yourself into thinking it is okay and you dealt with it and it is fine.
Like getting a cut. You put a Band Aid on it thinking that will take care of it. Only this cut needed stitches and you refused to believe this cut was indeed that bad. You take the Band Aid off at a later date and find not only is the cut still there but it is worse. Not you have no choice but to deal with it.
I took the Band Aid off today. And what I found was an infected wound that never healed properly. Not only that, but somehow that wound had gotten bigger as the original wound never fixed itself and continues on hurting me.
Not something to be going through with pg hormones too. If you're anything like me, those hormone rushes will make you cry at anything anyway, so something real - and I think I know what you're talking about - just about kills you.
Wounds do heal. They take time, they get reopened, they pus and ooze and fester, but they heal, if they get the right care. The scar, though, the scar is always there, no matter what you do.
"Scars are souvenirs you never lose." I'm feeling sentimental, and quoting the Goo Goo Dolls.
Maybe you need to take the band-aid off for awhile, and let it all ooze out, and then maybe it will start to heal. I think that worked for us.
Good luck, big (((HUGS))), and how about a big old virtual beer?
As Judy said, maybe you just need to let everything ooze out and take care of this wound. It may hurt more in the short term, but think about how much better it will feel in the long run. I know now is not the time you want to deal with this, but maybe this is what you have to do now so that you are on the path to healing when the baby comes.