I went today to see a good friends new baby boy. He was about the same size as Emma when she was born. But I do not remember her ever being that tiny. And I was retarded trying to hold him. He was all tiny and squishy and his little head was not attached. He was sleepy and making those baby noises and grinning from time to time. He had that sweet new baby smell too. When he was getting hungry and I was holding him, he tried to nurse on my arm. It was just so sweet to see a new life again.
I knew it would be odd for me. I have this lasting feeling of not being done yet. I get comments all the time about how great it must be that I got a girl and a boy so I can just be done. I then feel like a freak because actually, no that is not the case. Yea, I have one boy and one girl. But it does not feel done to me. I can not explain why and I have no idea where it comes from. After I had Davis, I did not want anymore. It was not until he was about six months old that I thought it was something I could do again. I know I should be thankful for the two I have. And I am, don't get me wrong. But what am I to do with this lingering feeling of one more?? Maybe it is a case of wanting what you know you can not have. I am not sure.
Now I am getting older. The kids are getting older. Time is marching on by. Everyone sleeps all night. We have a small bag for going out, not a huge assortment of things for just in case. No bottles. No nursing. No tiny baby things. At times this all seems like a great thing. We are through with the "baby stage"! Wahoo! And then there are the other times. The sadness of never being pregnant again (and yes I did well pregnant), never feeling another baby kick from inside, never holding that tiny new person that Mark and I created. That bit of wistfulness. That lingering moment of what if.......
Most times I know that it may very well be time to accept things. Being done. My head gets that. It just has trouble explaining it to my heart.
I knew it would be odd for me. I have this lasting feeling of not being done yet. I get comments all the time about how great it must be that I got a girl and a boy so I can just be done. I then feel like a freak because actually, no that is not the case. Yea, I have one boy and one girl. But it does not feel done to me. I can not explain why and I have no idea where it comes from. After I had Davis, I did not want anymore. It was not until he was about six months old that I thought it was something I could do again. I know I should be thankful for the two I have. And I am, don't get me wrong. But what am I to do with this lingering feeling of one more?? Maybe it is a case of wanting what you know you can not have. I am not sure.
Now I am getting older. The kids are getting older. Time is marching on by. Everyone sleeps all night. We have a small bag for going out, not a huge assortment of things for just in case. No bottles. No nursing. No tiny baby things. At times this all seems like a great thing. We are through with the "baby stage"! Wahoo! And then there are the other times. The sadness of never being pregnant again (and yes I did well pregnant), never feeling another baby kick from inside, never holding that tiny new person that Mark and I created. That bit of wistfulness. That lingering moment of what if.......
Most times I know that it may very well be time to accept things. Being done. My head gets that. It just has trouble explaining it to my heart.
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