Have you ever been presented with something that takes you back? Have you ever had cause to stop and feel as you did one year ago or ten years ago?
Part of my life journey and my walk with God has been about letting go of the past. Knowing that what happened yesterday is done and needs to stay in yesterday. Just as what happened last year or five years ago has to stay there as well. We are not to look at yesterday nor are we to look at tomorrow. The Bible tells us in Matthew 6:33-34 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. In other words, live in today. Tomorrow will take care of itself and there will be plenty to deal with then.
Which is great advice. Why worry about something that has already passed, you can not change it now? And why worry about what tomorrow may bring, you can not possibly know what it will hold? My cross to bear in all of this? Not letting the past and how I FELT about something dictate my present and how I currently feel. Not so easy.
I was reminded of this yesterday. I was sitting in Davis's room, which once upon a time was Emma's room. I was holding my almost three year old boy and my mind started drifting, as it often does. I clearly saw myself sitting in a rocking chair that used to be in that room. I was rocking Emma to sleep for a nap. She was probably around two or so. (Emma used to nap in a very unnatural way. Until she was two she took two hour+ naps a day. At two, I cut one and she began taking one hour+ nap.) I was sitting in the rocking chair holding Emma and looking around the room. The room at that time was in a holding place because I desperately wanted another child and this room was going to be the yet to be conceived new baby's room. I began to cry. At this point we had been trying for that allusive child for some time. I sat there, holding my baby girl, and crying for a child I did not yet have.
It was yesterday that two things occurred to me. One being that I wished away a lot of my time then. I spent so much time hoping for that other child that I often forgot to live in the day. I cried countless tears waiting and it was a waste. At some point in that journey, I threw everything I had into being Emma's mom. I thought I was likely to not ever have another child again and I might as well give 150% to Emma. Which I should have been doing all along. Two was that because of that experience, the pain of going over a year in trying to have another child, I now have NO desire to go down that path again. The pain is all too real. I know that I am not supposed to look to the past. I know it has no bearing on today. But for anyone who has walked the road of infertility, it is hard to leave it in the past. You are sure that if you are ever to try to take that walk again, you will follow the exact same path. And who signs up for eighteen months of pain and grief intentionally?
As I sat there yesterday, holding my little boy, the one that I spent all that time wishing for, and realized he will soon be three, a peace came over me. Why? Because I finally got it. Was I thinking about tomorrow? No. Was I thinking about three years ago? No. I was in that exact moment. And how sweet it was.
Part of my life journey and my walk with God has been about letting go of the past. Knowing that what happened yesterday is done and needs to stay in yesterday. Just as what happened last year or five years ago has to stay there as well. We are not to look at yesterday nor are we to look at tomorrow. The Bible tells us in Matthew 6:33-34 But seek ye first the kingdom of God, and his righteousness; and all these things shall be added unto you. Take therefore no thought for the morrow: for the morrow shall take thought for the things of itself. Sufficient unto the day is the evil thereof. In other words, live in today. Tomorrow will take care of itself and there will be plenty to deal with then.
Which is great advice. Why worry about something that has already passed, you can not change it now? And why worry about what tomorrow may bring, you can not possibly know what it will hold? My cross to bear in all of this? Not letting the past and how I FELT about something dictate my present and how I currently feel. Not so easy.
I was reminded of this yesterday. I was sitting in Davis's room, which once upon a time was Emma's room. I was holding my almost three year old boy and my mind started drifting, as it often does. I clearly saw myself sitting in a rocking chair that used to be in that room. I was rocking Emma to sleep for a nap. She was probably around two or so. (Emma used to nap in a very unnatural way. Until she was two she took two hour+ naps a day. At two, I cut one and she began taking one hour+ nap.) I was sitting in the rocking chair holding Emma and looking around the room. The room at that time was in a holding place because I desperately wanted another child and this room was going to be the yet to be conceived new baby's room. I began to cry. At this point we had been trying for that allusive child for some time. I sat there, holding my baby girl, and crying for a child I did not yet have.
It was yesterday that two things occurred to me. One being that I wished away a lot of my time then. I spent so much time hoping for that other child that I often forgot to live in the day. I cried countless tears waiting and it was a waste. At some point in that journey, I threw everything I had into being Emma's mom. I thought I was likely to not ever have another child again and I might as well give 150% to Emma. Which I should have been doing all along. Two was that because of that experience, the pain of going over a year in trying to have another child, I now have NO desire to go down that path again. The pain is all too real. I know that I am not supposed to look to the past. I know it has no bearing on today. But for anyone who has walked the road of infertility, it is hard to leave it in the past. You are sure that if you are ever to try to take that walk again, you will follow the exact same path. And who signs up for eighteen months of pain and grief intentionally?
As I sat there yesterday, holding my little boy, the one that I spent all that time wishing for, and realized he will soon be three, a peace came over me. Why? Because I finally got it. Was I thinking about tomorrow? No. Was I thinking about three years ago? No. I was in that exact moment. And how sweet it was.
Comments
I've been dealing with some similar issues lately - an irrational anxiety over who knows what. I'm trying very hard to just "be" and quit worrying about whatever may or may not come. Enjoy THIS moment.