What Could Have Been

I don't talk about my past a lot. I do mention my girlfriends I have had for years. But I do not speak much of my past. I realized it is because I want to leave it in there, behind me. I realized it is because some things were hard to get over and leave behind. Since I claimed victory in that, I do not want to go back. And Mark and I have been together for a little over ten years. My past pretty much takes me all the way back to high school. In case you never caught it, I got married when I was twenty. I did not complete college (that is a post for another day...), so I do not have any crazy college day memories. To be clear, this does not sadden me. I did college for almost two years, in all sorts of ways. Community college, away in a dorm at a large university and then back at home in a smaller university. None of them fit for me. I get that now and have no issue with it. What still affects me to this day are things that occurred in high school.

I do not much go down this path anymore. Even though my closest friends are from high school. I am not sure how many people I have even mentioned this too or discussed this with. Mark I know I have. And as usual he does not get it. Quite honestly, most times I do not either.

When I met Amanda, we talked about it some. We talked mostly about your "could have been". By this, it is that someone that you think "could have been" the one. I am not sure everyone has one and I would even venture to guess that women are more likely to have one than men. But I may be off base there. I do have a "could have been" and it bugs the crap out of me. Not so much anymore. It took me some time to get that everything happens for a reason and I honestly could not have been happy in that situation. But Amanda brought up something I never thought of: If someone is YOUR "could have been" then YOU may be someone's "could have been".

This never occurred to me. Simple answer here. NO ONE asked me out in high school. And since I was married at twenty, no one asked me out in college either. I am not complaining exactly. I enjoyed and felt very lucky to find Mr. Right early. Saved me a lot of grief. However, at the time in high school, it bothered me very much. And to this day I still feel a little sad that I never got asked out.

I guess it is that I did not know why. I was not too terribly awful to look at. I was definitely thinner then (read my post from yesterday, it appears I was also thinner a few months ago...). I hate to get hung up on the fact that I was by far not the most attractive girl in the school. And I hate that it bothered me so very much. And I hate that to this day I sometimes still wonder why.

Half way through my Senior year, one guy, whom I will not mention his name for his own privacy sake, did indeed ask me out. He ended up being my high school boyfriend. We were only together for about six months or so and sad as it is to admit, he was my "could have been". It took me some time to get over that and for quite some time I wondered why that turned out the way it did. I now know not to ask such questions as there was obviously a better plan than the one I had tried to map out. And I am thankful for that.

There are still times though that I wonder what was so wrong with me that no one wanted to ask me out. Not on a date, not to any dances, not even to our Junior Prom. It broke me then and to this day I think it shaped a part of who I am. At times I still feel like the girl who sat at home on Friday and Saturday nights watching movies with her mom. (I love you mom and I am glad I had you. You never made me feel like some sort of freak for being at home with you and not out. Thank you.)

I do not know why guys avoided me. When Mark first met me he thought I was a stuck up bitch and maybe that was what others thought too. Maybe I presented myself in such a way that made it difficult to approach me. I am not sure. All I know is that sometimes I see that teenage girl, sitting alone in her room, writing poetry, listening to her stereo and gazing out the window. Wondering when her day would come.