As I have been thinking about what to blog for the entire month, I have realized that it is possible that I may have to write about some things that are a little deeper. Today is such a day.
I have recently been thinking a lot on the other child issue. It has actually been something that has been in the forefront of my mind for some time. Life took a few detours over the summer and it was put aside and not thought of much. Then life seemed to be getting back on track, even if a different track than it was following before, and here I am.
I have made a couple different posts about this very subject. As you can see from those, I am bit schizophrenic on the subject. Ask me one day and I am all about having more kids, no matter my age or when. Ask me the next day and I will look at you like you are some whack job that is trying to kill me.
After some thought and some looking into myself about what this is really about, I think I finally came to a conclusion. It is not about me getting too old (though I am getting older...ugh). It is not about the kids being spaced too far apart. It is not about kids costing too much, if that were the case I NEVER would have had ANY. It is not about wanting more me time or freedom. It is not about the work a new baby brings. It is not about being pregnant and what it does to you. And it is not about giving birth. No, my fear is not any of those things. My fear rests in this: actually getting pregnant.
We started trying for our daughter in January of 1999. I was a mere twenty two years old. It did not happen the first month. Or the second. Or the third. Or the fourth. Or fifth or sixth. But on the seventh month of trying, I found myself pregnant. At the time I thought it took way longer than it should have. Most of the people I knew had gotten pregnant within three months, some without even trying. Of course, at twenty two I was the only one of my friends to be having kids yet, so my knowledge was limited.
Emma was born in March of 2000. When she was turning one, I asked Mark about another. He said not yet. When Emma was about to turn two, he gave in and agreed to go for another. That was January of 2002. Nine months later, nothing. We decided to stop for a bit and try again at a later date. January 2003, we started again. Three months later, I went to my doctor. Total we had been trying for a year now. I was twenty six. She ran the first round of infertility testing. Blood work to check certain levels of hormones. Turned out I had hypothyroidism. Badly. As in my TSH level was 186 and it should have been a 3. I started on medication and within the first month of taking the meds I lost almost fifteen pounds. Effect of having a non- functioning thyroid is an inability to lose weight. Go figure.
I started the medication in April of 2003 and by June I was pregnant with our son. Davis was born in January of 2004. So what is my deal?
Unless you have been there, trying for over a year to get pregnant and it not happening, it is horrible. I did not know why it was not happening. I did not get why all these other people simply throw birth control out of the window and bam! They are pregnant. My husband did not seem to care. So much so that at one point in round two he said he did not want anymore at all. And maybe this was God's way of telling me I was not supposed to have more. It was awful. I was hurting and no one around me seemed to get that. This was when I went into a depression and tried to medicate myself with shopping. Causing debt along the way.
It was so hard. I remember what that was like and I do not want to go through that again. Every month that would go by without a positive pregnancy test just broke me that much more. And the months went on and on and on. It was easy for other people to say, "When it is meant to happen it will," when they had no idea. Easy to say when you got pregnant just by thinking about it. And even when I did get pregnant the second time, it was also because I was charting and timing everything to make sure I hit the right time. After eighteen months of this, I was not going to keep letting months slip right through my fingertips.
I believe in God. And I know He has a plan. I got pregnant with my kids when I did because that is the way it was meant to be. And I do not know what the future holds. I only know what I went through before and putting myself through it again......is not something I want to do. It absolutely destroyed me. Still to this day. I can feel myself get a little tense when someone says how easy it was for them to get pregnant. And I do not like it. I do not want to go through month after month of disappointment and sadness again. And alone.
I am older now. I will be thirty in one month (from today, yikes). It seems another child is not in the plans for the near future. If it takes me another year to get pregnant again, I will be thirty two, at least. And another year of the pain and pushing through it alone as if it does not bother me or affect me? I do not think I have it in me at this point.
I know God has a plan and I know He is in charge. My head gets all of that. I know I had a medical condition as well before. My head gets that too. But no one can explain it to my heart.
So if you ask me if I want more kids, the answer would be yes. If only the pain of trying to get pregnant were not there.
I have recently been thinking a lot on the other child issue. It has actually been something that has been in the forefront of my mind for some time. Life took a few detours over the summer and it was put aside and not thought of much. Then life seemed to be getting back on track, even if a different track than it was following before, and here I am.
I have made a couple different posts about this very subject. As you can see from those, I am bit schizophrenic on the subject. Ask me one day and I am all about having more kids, no matter my age or when. Ask me the next day and I will look at you like you are some whack job that is trying to kill me.
After some thought and some looking into myself about what this is really about, I think I finally came to a conclusion. It is not about me getting too old (though I am getting older...ugh). It is not about the kids being spaced too far apart. It is not about kids costing too much, if that were the case I NEVER would have had ANY. It is not about wanting more me time or freedom. It is not about the work a new baby brings. It is not about being pregnant and what it does to you. And it is not about giving birth. No, my fear is not any of those things. My fear rests in this: actually getting pregnant.
We started trying for our daughter in January of 1999. I was a mere twenty two years old. It did not happen the first month. Or the second. Or the third. Or the fourth. Or fifth or sixth. But on the seventh month of trying, I found myself pregnant. At the time I thought it took way longer than it should have. Most of the people I knew had gotten pregnant within three months, some without even trying. Of course, at twenty two I was the only one of my friends to be having kids yet, so my knowledge was limited.
Emma was born in March of 2000. When she was turning one, I asked Mark about another. He said not yet. When Emma was about to turn two, he gave in and agreed to go for another. That was January of 2002. Nine months later, nothing. We decided to stop for a bit and try again at a later date. January 2003, we started again. Three months later, I went to my doctor. Total we had been trying for a year now. I was twenty six. She ran the first round of infertility testing. Blood work to check certain levels of hormones. Turned out I had hypothyroidism. Badly. As in my TSH level was 186 and it should have been a 3. I started on medication and within the first month of taking the meds I lost almost fifteen pounds. Effect of having a non- functioning thyroid is an inability to lose weight. Go figure.
I started the medication in April of 2003 and by June I was pregnant with our son. Davis was born in January of 2004. So what is my deal?
Unless you have been there, trying for over a year to get pregnant and it not happening, it is horrible. I did not know why it was not happening. I did not get why all these other people simply throw birth control out of the window and bam! They are pregnant. My husband did not seem to care. So much so that at one point in round two he said he did not want anymore at all. And maybe this was God's way of telling me I was not supposed to have more. It was awful. I was hurting and no one around me seemed to get that. This was when I went into a depression and tried to medicate myself with shopping. Causing debt along the way.
It was so hard. I remember what that was like and I do not want to go through that again. Every month that would go by without a positive pregnancy test just broke me that much more. And the months went on and on and on. It was easy for other people to say, "When it is meant to happen it will," when they had no idea. Easy to say when you got pregnant just by thinking about it. And even when I did get pregnant the second time, it was also because I was charting and timing everything to make sure I hit the right time. After eighteen months of this, I was not going to keep letting months slip right through my fingertips.
I believe in God. And I know He has a plan. I got pregnant with my kids when I did because that is the way it was meant to be. And I do not know what the future holds. I only know what I went through before and putting myself through it again......is not something I want to do. It absolutely destroyed me. Still to this day. I can feel myself get a little tense when someone says how easy it was for them to get pregnant. And I do not like it. I do not want to go through month after month of disappointment and sadness again. And alone.
I am older now. I will be thirty in one month (from today, yikes). It seems another child is not in the plans for the near future. If it takes me another year to get pregnant again, I will be thirty two, at least. And another year of the pain and pushing through it alone as if it does not bother me or affect me? I do not think I have it in me at this point.
I know God has a plan and I know He is in charge. My head gets all of that. I know I had a medical condition as well before. My head gets that too. But no one can explain it to my heart.
So if you ask me if I want more kids, the answer would be yes. If only the pain of trying to get pregnant were not there.
Comments
Maybe I am just old and bitter now though. LOL.
I really can not explain what it is like. It is almost as if something your body is meant to do (much like breastfeeding) just will not do it. It is the ultimate betrayal of your own body. As women we are SUPPOSED to be able to create life and when your body simply will not do it? It breaks you.
Part of the reason why I have considered being a surragot or donating eggs. I understand that agony.